Last Saturday we examined a block in Kalorama, an absolutely beautiful thing of glorious tree ferns and delicate greens, wrapped in a pale grey mist that ghosted feline about the trees. 'We' being myself and my far less urbanised partner. For those who may not have been there, Kalorama is an exceptionally lovely suburb in the Dandenong Ranges, about an hour or so by public transport from the center of Melbourne. I grew up for much of my life in a rainforest, and despite being sadly addicted to lattes, was willing to make the sacrifice in order to be able to occasionally afford small matters such as petrol, clothes, and food.
Described as a 'Dream' which might take some work by www.realestate.com.au (and the link to the property is currently here although expect matters to change), after examining what proved to be a rather steep block we decided it was for us. While it lacked a castle, parapets, and so on, it probably had bats and owls. Snakes, spiders. Whatever was essentially required for threatening friends in other countries regarding Australia's deadly reputation. Our rather puny offer was accepted with pleasing swiftness, and we congratulated ourselves on our good sense and exquisite choice.
For the curious, the description was:
NOT SCARED OF A BIT OF HARD WORK? THE DREAM STARTS HERE!
$90,000 - $105,000 38 Barbers Road Kalorama
Located on the sealed section of Barbers Road, this lightly vegetated block of approx 1200 square meters on the high side is awaiting your dream home. The driveway has been formed and all services are available, except sewerage. Be quick!
Our lawyer suggested, in a manner that seemed befitting a man cautioning a sweet but profoundly retarded kitten, that perhaps we should see why the property on Barber's Road was quite so cheap when the average land price in the area was three times the cost. Much like said kitten we gamboled off to the Dandenong Ranges Shire Council to happily ask about the property and building codes.
It shortly appeared that the 'hard work' required was less 'convince the council to permit you to install a permanent gargoyle feature' and more 'find a way to stop the spiders and assorted wildlife disappearing off the cliff in the landslide'. For it seemed that perhaps a few important little pieces had magically not been mentioned to us - the fact that the block was in a landslide zone. The fact that the council would need a full geological survey before examining the land to give permission to build at all, and the fact they doubted at all that it would be so given. The fact that the property was possibly under tenancy, whereby we would have to purchase all three local blocks to be allowed to build on one. Assuming, that is, the council allowed us to build anywhere given their very real concern that my Gothic mansion would shortly be decorating the flat ground two hundred feet below.
Needless to say? My face shortly assumed a look best described as 'I should like to nail a skinned rabbit to someone's door over this'.
We withdrew our offer, and left, as slightly less retarded kittens, in order to pursue our dream elsewhere. Onwards!
